Just need a place to write

I am trying to figure out how to keep this thing a secret, not because I have anything secret to say but because I am boring. Not a very exciting way to start a blog, is it? I really just want to use this as on online diary, sort of like Doogie Howser but older and and female and not as pithy and online. Ok, I'm not really like Doogie Howser.

Why do I even need this? Back in 5th grade I had a diary with a lock that could be picked with just about anything--I know this because I lost the key after about 5 days and had to pick my own diary lock to write anything down. Actual entry: "I saw Max Callahan going to the bathroom." Of course, this was in big letters and I can still see the mortification in my 5th grade handwriting. I kept a diary for many years and found it to be helpful to--ugh, ugh, ugh, big social work type statement coming up--process.

Yesterday I started a PhD program and this qualifies as a big change that will require much processing. While rambling on and on about all my anxiety to my poor husband I realized I needed a place to write it all down. Because somehow seeing it in print makes it seem real, but also manageable. And because last night I didn't sleep and had the urge to get up and start typing but it didn't really make sense. But with a blog it makes sense to get up and start typing. Make sense?

I'm not sure what I would have written at 3am last night if this blog already existed. Probably something like this: I am a fraud. I don't know how I got into this program and I know I'm not going to make it. How can I possibly balance work, and school, and a husband, and three cats? It's just not possible, right? I know others have done it but they are clearly smarter and more motivated and procrastinate less and want it more and on and on and on. To console myself, I picked out one woman of the eight of use who started yesterday and decided she probably won't make it. Mean, I know, especially for a social worker. I wonder if anyone picked me out as the one who won't be able to make it? I skated through undergrad and grad school, barely making an effort on homework but still coming out on top or at least close to it. (That is a little bit of a lie, because I do make an effort it's just on things that aren't necessarily considered important in school like keeping up with current events and research articles and things that aren't necessarily on the test. I'm not a "will this be on the test?" kind of woman. And it's a bit of an egotistical exaggeration to think I'm always at or near the top because that's not entirely true either.)

I could spend another 20 pages typing about this but I'm boring myself.