15 minutes a day

Write for 15 minutes a day.

It will become a habit.

And writing my dissertation will be a breeze.

At least, that's what I'm told. So I'll give it the old college try. It can't hurt, right?

The only thing I’m really thinking about right now is school. Well, balancing school and work and life and a marriage, but school is really the center of that and is really the reason I even have to think through this.

I really wonder if I’ll be able to do this, if I’ll be able to get used to having to work to pass my classes. I wonder if I’ll find the balance between thinking about my dissertation topic over the next two years and not worrying about the details until I have to. I wonder if I can make any real contribution to my job when school requires so much time and energy. I wonder if I will ever see my friends, especially the ones I always feel too busy for now. Will I ever see my husband between his school work and my school work and traveling and living in two cities? When I do see him will I just be naggy about what hasn’t been done around the house or will the time apart and our busy schedules force us to enjoy the time we have together?

The current cohort met with students in various stages of the program and heard lots of good advice. Some I didn’t want to hear (“quit your job”) but most very helpful (“keep every scrap of paper organized because you’ll need it to study for comps”). But this, from my student advisor, a young smart sprite, was the most helpful: “Allow yourself to say ‘I quit’ three times before you actually consider quitting.”

What allowing myself to say “I quit” means to me:

• I am not the only one feeling anxious about this.
• I will feel extreme anxiety more than once. More than twice. Maybe three times. And I will get through it.
• It is okay to really, really feel like giving up and it is okay to say it. Out loud.
  

As anxious as I am right now, I am not counting this as one of my “I quits.” I’m saving those for when I really need them—and I know I will.